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Juliet Simms was born upside-down in a trash can. Her first word was a curse and her first step was a kick. She was expelled from elementary school for setting fire to the principals jacket while he was wearing it.

Juliet wipes her mouth with other peoples sheet music, and when she walks into a party, her head is bobbing to a ferocious beat that only she can hear. She uses empty 9mm shell casings for toothpicks, and she fills her salt-and-pepper shakers with crushed glass. When she flexes her abs, the tattoo of Henry Kissinger on her stomach gives you the finger. Every morning, she spends three hours with an assassin from the North Korean Secret Service, smashing sheet-rock into dust with her forehead and splitting railroad ties between her thighs.

Juliet strings her Stratocaster with barbed wire and uses a claw hammer for a guitar pick. She learned to play music from a Filipino mobster in a maximum-security prison, where she was held for crashing a police car into a donut shop. She plays guitar to sublimate her urge to kill.

The difference between you and Juliet Simms is that Juliet knows how youve offended her. She lives one way and one way only: maximum throttle, savage energy, perpetual attack. If you know whats good for you, you wont turn your back on Juliet Simms.


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